Have you ever heard the words, “I’m sorry, but your test was positive for colon cancer?” What about, “I’m so sorry, but your scan showed you have heart disease?”
I haven’t heard those specific words, but I know people who have. They were shocked. As the shock wore off, they felt like their world was caving in around them. They felt helpless and hopeless. They weren’t sure where to go from there or what to do next. They questioned life. Some of them questioned God. They asked why this happening to them when they tried so hard to do right when the drug dealer and child molester down the road was healthy as could be.
I went through these feelings and wrestled with these questions. I may not have heard the words “colon cancer” or heart disease,” but I heard, “Your child has autism.” In fact, I heard those words with, not one, but two children within two days. My son was 8, and my daughter was 13.
“Your child has autism…”
The shattering news…
My son was supposed to grow up to be healthy and strong. Healthy of mind, body and soul. I had such dreams for him! He was supposed to marry, support his family, be a great man, serve God, and live a full life. He was supposed to be the perfect boy, the perfect young man, the perfect man. Now, I had lost that hope. He would always be perfect in my eyes, but would he ever hold a job? Would he marry? Would he have a family? Be able to support them? Or would he be living at home forever more?
My daughter… Her diagnosis explained a lot, but it was still heartbreaking. I had hoped that, being 13, she’d soon grow out of her quirks – her overactive imagination, her need to make the silverware talk and play with each other as she washes the dishes, and her jumping around when she gets excited. Suddenly her inability to hold her temper made sense; she has sensory processing disorder and is easily overwhelmed.
What was I to do? My world fell apart. But I felt like I had to be strong – strong for my family, strong for my kids, strong for me. I felt like if I fell apart, I’d lose myself. But in trying to be strong on the outside, in trying to hold it together, I was slowly being ripped apart. Not expressing how I was feeling was keeping me from dealing with my emotions. And this was messing with my bipolar, depression, and anxiety. Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness washed over me like a flood, drowning me. Suicidal ideation began to creep in, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. The anxiety, however, was overwhelming. It crushed me beneath its weight. I couldn’t breathe, and I found myself hyperventilating much of the day. I knew I had to deal with these emotions, but I didn’t know how.
I finally reached out to my therapist, telling her what was going on in my head and within my body. As I spoke to her, I finally broke. I told her everything I was feeling. I allowed the flood of tears to flow. Though talking about it and releasing the emotion helped, I had let everything go for so long that there was too much damage done to be remedied with only the quick-fix of therapy. I needed a med-change. My psychiatrist tweaked my medications, and my bipolar leveled out. My anxiety slowed down, and I came out of my depression. I felt much better.
I learned quite a few things through my experience.
- Don’t hold your emotions inside. “Let it go. Let it go! Don’t hold it in any longer! Let it go!” Holding it in hurts you!
- It’s okay to ask why. I was always taught not to question God, but I realized that even Jesus, Who was perfect, asked God why! “My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?” However, we must be prepared to hear the same thing Jesus did – silence.
- I learned to reach out for help sooner. Sometimes, we cannot overcome things alone. We need someone else.
- I also found that it’s helpful to be part of a Facebook group with others who face the same obstacles.
- Lastly, I learned to be conscious of what others are going through and how to be there for others.
If you are going through a similar experience, please feel free to reach out! I’d love to talk to you and help in any way I can!
God Bless!
Nishoni Harvey
nishoni@yourinkwell.com
Through It All 